Reflections on Recent Rough Revisions to the Running Racks

Sorry for writing too much about these nonsensical, sentimental stuff. I know that this should be a tech blog. But come on, I write whatever I want, right?

Before you continue, I am legally required to tell you that the topic covered in later sections is not for all ages. Topics including Coarse Language, Self-identification, Sex, Sex Minorities, and other materials that might not suitable for children under 17. Discretion is advised. (N.B. This is not some erotic fan fictions. The warning serves to remind you that the content is not ordinary complaints. It is a profile of my ever-struggling soul.)

在您继续阅读之前，笔者提醒您：文章的内容可能并不适合所有人观看。文章涵盖的主题包括粗口、个人认同、性、性少数以及其他不适合 17 周岁以下人群阅读的主题。请您斟酌是否要继续阅读。（另：这不是小黄文。这个警告的存在只是为了提示读者接下来的内容不是合家欢的吐槽；而是一些比较严肃的话题。）

Due to restrictions above, this article will only be accessible via the tag Explicit Content and the list of all articles. It will NOT appear on the front page. However, due to technical limitations, it will still appear in the RSS feed.

Primed by a Dream

I hardly have any dreams lately. I don't mean that I've lost things to fight for. I mean I don't dream in my sleep. It wasn't clear to me that whether it's caused by staying up late so my brain got too tired to weave a dream; or it's just a natural thing that as you age, you don't dream that often in your sleep. Maybe it's a mixture of both.

Dreams are quite volatile. You don't remember most of them when you wake up. But the residual part of the dream does leave an impression, sometimes semi-permanent that would be recognized as a Container.

When I recall these dreams I had, most of them are either stressful or anxiety-inducing. Common themes including being late for work or class; being naked while in public; being lost and cannot find a way out and so on. But often that I didn't see any potential threats, I still feel a presence of pressure. It's easy to make a scientific rationale for this presence of pressure as if I'm drowning. In sleep, the heart rate and RR are lower than normal, so the brain erroneously thinks that there is not enough oxygen supply. Hence this feeling of drowning.

And you probably have guessed that I had yet another nightmare. Otherwise, I won't bother to write them down. Pure nightmare, that is simply typical scenes or horror, is not worth even mentioning. The thing here, my friend, is quite an exception.

In the last sentimental bullshit, I have talked about personal interests and their conflict-inducing nature. Now, for the record, I am required by ArchivalDaemon to explain what I have exactly meant, both in the last article and the Mood thread (see appendix).

This is not going to be a joy ride.

Exotic Systems

There are a lot of things carrying an overhaul. By overhaul, I mean a radical change. Instead of Patches on existing Containers, you will need a new Rack to even start to tackle all the nuances. They are Exotic Systems.

Exotic Systems are not by default harmful. They just need some adaptations or a time-consuming porting. After all, the very first System you receive from your parents is considered Exotic.

Examples of currently referenced Exotic Systems include works by ZUN (Touhou Project), works by Toby Fox (Undertale and Deltarune), and ... let's say, the rabbit hole.

Of course. It's just a history lesson. I guess I should elaborate on what's happening now (since at the end of the video, the diversity of the definition is stated). It's one of the critical self-related topics that I have ever tried to tackle, yet, and I have no faith in doing it.

Fetish for Fur

Fetish is a rather weird thing. It could be either congenital or acquired. Even we just laugh as if it doesn't matter in online communities, saying that "Even though I can't and shouldn't tell you about your fetish, I do advise you pay a visit to your doctor", it's real. It does affect your behaviour.

I find it concerning. In the dream, I saw a coeval brought me a print of Changed. I didn't see the face of the man but saw he wore the same outfit as me. Even though I can't see the face clearly, I still know he was smiling, mockingly, menacing. As if he has found me out.

Ugh. Why did I dream about it? It's not like I have ever played the game. For the record, I have just bought the game today (2021-02-14). Am I using too much of the internet?

The fact of me having this fetish is also making me unnerving. It's not simply liking something. For Touhou or Undertale, I just like the stories told by the authors and can appreciate human connections laced into the characters. This ... thing! It's erotic. Just looking at them standing still is enough to turn me on. I'm like a mal-trained neuro network, activating the 'wrong' node.

Came from the Dirt

Have you ever get curious about your body? I was. So I went to the library and borrowed an anatomy illustration book. From that day on, things were never the same. First is that I can just watch gores without a chill. I've seen enough of cut-up human body that I can nitpick all the mistakes in props. Second is that I have completely given up on actual, real sex with a real person. Because it's gross.

For the uninitiated, I live in a region where it's fairly conservative on sex and sex education. Things are improving nowadays, but my childhood has forever gone. The little bit of knowledge was introduced (formally in a classroom) at the 3rd-grade Health class. We, of course, didn't pay any attention. It was a failure for both us and the teacher. I owe an apology to Ms Ji. Please forgive me for being childish and ignorant.

When you actually observe your genital, you might find it is the most repelling thing possible. It's hairy, fuzzy, and doesn't smell that good. You have to clean it, and the gunk only renders it more unappealing. You wash everything up, but it still looks... off. As if innately you know it's the source of sins. The venereal diseases... just thinking about them makes me nauseated. After that, I just don't watch porns. I find them literally disgusting and doesn't play a good role in sex education.

And here I am. Getting horny towards fluffy anthropomorphic animals. I have to note that (as inferred) most of who calls themself 'furry' does not have this 'erroneous activation' condition. They just like the appearance of the characters or the idea of this humanoid. I just find myself vulgar, twisted and degenerated. After all, people I've met so far who has the clear identification are nice, considerate and talented. Why am I behaving like such a pervert?

The answer is simply because of the metahuman quality. We came from the dirt, but the humanoids came from the mind. They represents an ideal state. A world with no sickness-spreading gunk nor noisome odour. It's a perfect place.

The Conflict Within

Things would be easier to tackle if it was just me jerking off at furry pictures. If that's the case, I could just never disclose it. It would be a secret I will take to the grave. No one has to know. No confession to make.

But apparently, the rabbit hole meanders deeper.

The conflict between something as a sexual interest and something as a representation of abstract human qualities bothers me. Furry, in itself, is a type of identity. You either conform to it, derive your own identity from it, or deny it. The core idea revolves around 'I am not who I am, but a proxy of a metaphysical spirit.' The spirit itself could be represented as a certain type of anthropomorphic animal, just like any other legends and myths that depict metahuman entities as a hybrid of animal and human. (Yeah man, it's a practice that has been done from the start of the civilization!)

There is an idea called 'transfur', that basically is someone as a human being transformed into the anthropomorphic personification. I always read it as a metaphor for 'becoming another': One reincarnates into the ideal version of themself. It is almost inherently suggestive as the process of reborn will inevitably be tainted with the theme of reproduction; while being inherently noble since it represents the struggle of perfecting oneself.

Personification of the superego is a practice commonly found in... look, I don't have enough data to support my arguments. I don't major in this field so there is no tool I can use to defend myself. But at least, I can still reason why it would happen. Maybe the thing I should do is to seek out professional help and actually get someone qualified to solve the problem for me. But in the current configuration, it is not a feasible option.

Let's elaborate and reason, then. With my own terms.

Superego, as a representation of the 'ideal self', is a rather abstract idea. This idea is often formalized by a set of rules handed down by your parents and the community you grow up in. However, we are not good at dealing with abstract ideas. Thus a semi-concrete idol is used to represent certain qualities.

Along with the development of the individuals, they may either reinforce the image of a superego through (sometimes explicit) worship of an idol; substitute the initial image with one of their own choice; or discard the idea of a concrete representation and embrace the underlying abstract rules. Multiple idols could be formed and discarded at the different stages throughout the life of the individual.

Recently I have written a lot about self-identification, about finding the answer to 'Who am I?'. Most of them hit the cutting room floor because they are just too bland to even talk about and from my previous experiences, they won't matter after a certain period has passed. Who wasn't an edgy 8th grader? But gradually I figured that the problem I am facing now could have a further impact. As I have written in the previous article, I have already standing in the tarpit since I was still in my junior. For years, I didn't come up with a satisfactory answer. Things shifts and time passes, but the question lingers. I am still asking myself from time to time 'Who am I? Why am I still having an idol that I should have already ditched?'

You are Who You are Thought to Be

In a community of continental culture, identity is not something that one declares but given by others. It often ties with responsibilities that come with the identity.

An indirect consequence is that you don't join a group. You are selected by the group. Once you show a trait that the group is hunting for, you will be automatically signed up to them. If you like the work of A, then you must be a fan of A; If you are into B, then you must be in the club of B.

What's worse, by signing up with the group, an invisible contract is bound. I. e. you have to 'play by the rules'. What could be said or could be done is implicitly ruled by the community. What should be said and should be done is also included. Because of the opaque nature of these 'de facto' rules, it's both time-consuming and emotional-tiring to figure it out.

I just don't have time to cut myself from it. I mean, yes I am interested in multiple things, but that doesn't and shouldn't automatically mark me as a fan of it and ask me to behave like one of them. I just find them interesting, funny, heart-warming, inspiring or any other positive quality you'd like to use here. I don't want any unsolicited attention.

Unsolicited attention come from both in the group and out of the group. The latter one is often the one causing more trouble. For communities that deviate from the standard culture set, they often need to bear the derision, sometimes outright hostility towards them. The distress often targets specific individuals and tend to overkill, rendering the community barely functional. As if associating with them is the same as contracting a horrible disease.

On reflection, am I even qualified as a furry? I don't even know. I have already seen some who had already met most criteria but still declines; while others who only show a few traits explicitly marks themself as. The implicit line is drawn all over the place. Selecting criteria is hard and the water is mucky enough for me to not disturb it more. I guess I will leave this question aside for now.

Tech-driven Minds

Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer wird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Sometimes I would think that being a technical-inclined person would more likely to make you a person bearing certain odd traits. Maybe the Abyss isn't furry or My Little Pony or any other things, it's the world itself. The real world is too complex to deal with, so we find a harbour with well-defined interfaces. Be nice, and others will be nice to you. It's a society at its apex.

A significant portion of the furry community is tech-savvy or art-attained. Especially the pioneers in the early stages. It might just be a fallacy to think that being tech-literate or art-literate tends to make one a furry (or a brony, or whatever you want to ratify) since these two might be totally unrelated. But certain trends hint a possibility.

It might also because online communities tend to be more open to new ideas. They would be much more tolerant to exotic materials. By connecting people with the same pronounced trait, a niche online community could be formed, forming an illusion of a widely accepted convention.

But it's still an illusion. Even if you can find dozens of other peers online, there is no one around you. The social strees is still present. There is no cure. In the game, a new establishment is formed; while in reality, I am still a freak, alone.

I think we need a rest now.

Postlude

Some of you might be shocked to discover this portion of (previously) unshown racks (and yes, I do organize all the Containers in Racks. A Rack is a collection of Containers. Although Kubernetes calls them Pods, I am not in favour of it. I mean, you put things on racks, not in pods); whilst others might just say 'meh' and swipe this page away. I could understand since it's a personal thing and you know it's hard to evoke sympathy. It's OK to think I'm a fuccboi or an imposter, especially I have forced you to finish the equivalent amount of a year-worth English reading littered with quirky expressions talking about gruesome stuff.

After finished writing this, I feel... released. I don't think I'm vindicated. But it is a good thing that I finally got it out from my chest. Profiling your thoughts can be hard and sometimes it hurts. But pruning excessive Containers and even Racks is a necessity to keep sanity. Hold the RESET button and try again. Things will be better at the next corner.

Appendix A: Content of the Mood Thread

Required by ArchivalDaemon and AnalyticalContextProviderDaemon. Below are two snippets (also known as Moods) I have posted on Qzone.

We have all those models to help us understand the world better. But we have little to understand ourselves.
It could be seen as a 'lost period' of the development of personality when things are not coming in [at] a correct order. I figured it might be fine, or it might be fatal and cast a long-lasting shadow [on] the future. It is not uncharted territory, as we had at least two periods that the similar occurred. But this time it might not be it.
Or we would leave this as something to look back and laughing at. Though the latter one is a bit cruel to the past. But as we step out of the chapter, we might have a solution that's trivial to the future.
Confessions are easy to tell, but hard to make. But I don't need to confess. It is just a preference. As my clock ticks at a constant normal rate, I see no problem but [a] trace amount of guilt that hints it might not be good as it conflicts with the environment configuration.
And we should have seen this before. Maybe we could just pursuit what we imagine and leave others aside, Or it is inevitable that we have to bend to the majority. The former one needs courage. The latter burns your papers. Either of them takes some, and hardly there is a grey area to drop by.
We might never know. Take a stub and carry on.

Me, 2019-06-05

I thought the time would solve it all. But no. After a year, it's getting worse. Unlike the first two incidents which came to a resolution after about six months, this one lingers on.
I am not ready to seek professional help. Even though by contract I should always turn to a doctor when subtle things happen. But it might just because I was pressurized lately.
Some may get tired and emotional to get rid of this kind of distress. But being a teetotaler (by principles), I cannot wash it down with Pepsi.

Me, 2020-05-25

Author's Messages

In case you didn't bother to read the article above, here is an abstract in a sentence: I think I'm a furry and I'm bothered by it because I was supposed to be a normie so I reasoned and persuaded myself it might be fine to be whatever I wanted to be. Yeah. 3000 words dedicated to this issue that's not an issue for most of you.

In the last shitpost, I have promised to write shorter passages. But I just couldn't resist explaining what I've written. I try to keep my articles concise. However, the scope just creeps. I spent too many words to state and restate ideas because I am always trying to persuade myself to accept them. I really envy those who can just declare themselves and don't give a shit about the others.

I originally planned to write the article in Chinese, which is my native language and I can talk in-depth about how I think about the whole thing. But I find it impossible to even start writing. Not because I am aware of censorships -- My arsenal of euphemisms can always get around that. It's because I am not fully convinced that it would be OK to broadcast a radical idea to everyone. I still care about opinions around me and such a deviant change may just blow everything up.

Thank you for reading this article and trekking with me. If you have read through this article, could you please let me know?

I promised to not track you. So I don't. Unless you tell me that you have read this article, I have absolutely no way to tell if an article has been read. I didn't install any plugin to do so and I'm too lazy to tally the NGINX log. So, please, write a few words, let me know your thoughts.