2021 – A Differentiation Unreal

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It's this time of the year, again.

It was quite a bumpy ride. I have observed a significant deviation in the ability to schedule things since the start of the final semester. In simple terms, I am messing up a lot of things, again.

The graduation was, uneventful, to say at least. I don't quite remember anything that happened during the ceremony. I don't even feel like that I have left the school. I just got two pieces of paper saying that I have finished my courses and earned an undergrad degree in engineering, and packed my stuff up like I'm taking a summer leave. That's it.

Four years of tumbling concluded on a rather weak note with a few harsh mistakes spread in the last couple of measures. I failed PE2, which caused a month of delay in graduation as I have to painfully manage to meet those damning standards within 4 weeks. My paper was a worthless piece of shit and the final presentation was a dumpster fire driven by pulling all-nighters and continuously overworking for days. But hey, at least I've got out of there alive.

It's funny how some describe that they would have a recurrent dream about going back to school and having assignments or projects that are just about to due that they hadn't done in time. I have never had any of those dreams. Instead, what I would always have is that there is a class I have to attend to but I am somewhere far away and unable to make it, sometimes literally far away, like I'm still in my parents' house or somewhere. I don't wake up in a cold pool of sweat, but the anxiety induced bootup was never a good thing.

Is there anything different? They say that after graduation, there will be a whole different world to explore. But I can't really feel the difference. Maybe I'm just numb, dumb or both.

However, there are still some changes. A concrete difference is now I am living on my own. Being literally living alone is an empowering move since for the very first time one can fully manage their life. I can decide whenever I want to get out of bed. I can pile trash all over the floor and no one will shout at me. I can watch thousands of porn and no one will look over my shoulders and say "Eww, I don't know you are into THIS"!

Yeah. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But to be fair, I am not tossing used tissues all over my place. Professionals have standards. -- Or, sanitization daemon. There's a lot of daemons in my room now.

Comparing to what I've used to, there is a significant rise in workload. I usually leave the lab at around 22:00, but now I leave when I can barely catch on the last metro ride, which is about 23:15. I have to get out of the front door at 8:15 and get my butt in front of my cubicle before 9:00. Now that's what I call a 14-hour work day.

It's rather costly. And to be fair, it's just soul-crushing. I am literally selling my soul for a wage lower than the average. So a wise plan (or a compromising plan) is to just get the hell out of there. I should really weigh the price before signing the damn three-way contract.

The solution naturally comes to pursuing advanced education. I will have to wait for the expiration of the contract while prepare for applying for a graduate school admission. To be honest, I wasn't so sure about applying for grad schools while I was in the college (due to my considerations on economical implications) but now I have to put it on my schedule -- even if I don't have a schedule for anything more than 3 months away. So if this counts as a change then let it be.

So, yeah. That's about it. I don't really have much to say about 2021. It's just what it is. We thought the world would restart at 2021 but we all have known the result. I don't have any light beat to land on but hopefully we can resolve this BEEG issue at the end of 2022. See you in a new year.

  1. […] 和元旦的放洋屁不同,春节的反思是必须要用中文写的。一方面是因为过春节本身就是一件很「中国」的事情,用其他文字去写总觉得不对味;另一方面是我终于可以写点更为感性的东西——尽管我的汉语水平已经退化到小学级别了。 […]